I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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