Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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