Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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