Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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