Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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