Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
