3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
