haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
