My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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