In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
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Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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