I smell stomach acid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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