I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
