I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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