Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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