when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i came on her dog
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
