Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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