im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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