One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
