I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I love having hate sex.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
