I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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