you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Semen is not good for contacts.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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