booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
