not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
