dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
