3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
