The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
