Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
