yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
