If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
