Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
