Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
