I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
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Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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