Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
