Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
