on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
