the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
