that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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