Is it normal to miss your booty call?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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