i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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