can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
