Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
