My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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