Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
