Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need help removing her.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
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