Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Randomize
