You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
