You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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