I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
