Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
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