Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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