he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just high enough for therapy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
