I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
