I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
