Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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