he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
