His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
