Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
