Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
