I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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