I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
