dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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