Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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