Your dad touched me again.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
