just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
