This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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