I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
